To search or not ...... that is the question !!?? What do you all think ??
Saturday, January 26, 2008
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Me
Our Family
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About Me
- Katie
- I am a SAHM to 4 beautiful kiddos. I have 2 bio and 2 adopted from Guatemala .
21 comments:
Well of course, you are the only one who can answer that question. We don't plan on searching unless Cameron wants to one day. I will do whatever my son needs in order for him to feel like a whole and happy person.
This is going to be a bit of a long comment, but oh well. I had an adult (she's 28 with two children) adoptee from Guatemala join my playgroup and I met her today. I tried not to bombard her with questions as not to scare her off, but we did talk about a few things and one of them was the desire to contact her biological family. She and her two sisters were adopted together. She said her sisters do feel a desire to have contact and she has no desire what so ever. She said it has nothing to do with anger, abandonment, etc... she just doesn't feel like she needs that to feel complete. She said that her parents are her parents. That seems to be what I hear over and over. Some feel the pull to do it, and others don't feel the pull at all. It all depends on the child.
So I guess I told you all of that because MY (if you care) feeling is that it should be up to the child when they get older. I think as they get older, their personality will determine what our decision about that is. Some of our kids will need that, some won't.
Sorry for the book ;).
I have to second what was said above. I am an adult adoptee and never had any inclination to look for my biological parents because the people that adopted me were my "parents" and I never looked at them any different. I will tell you that at one time I did try to get my records for health reasons but they were closed and I came to a dead end.
I think I will let Aiden make that decision when he gets older..and since I can relate to his being adopted I am ok with that either way.
I'll do it if you do it....REALLY I want to search after Jagger comes home.
I am SOOOOO struggling with this right now. I want to search, DH doesn't want to (or I should say, wants to wait and let Alex decide).
I'm just afraid that 5, 10, 20 years from now it might be impossible to find her.
I mostly want to search for two reasons: 1) I want to know if there was anything "not right" with the adoption. 2) I want her to know that Alex is loved (and has all of his body parts!!).
I don't think I would want to meet her, at least not at this point. I really think that should be up to Alex. I guess my thought is that I could try to make contact now, and then those lines would already be open if and when Alex is interested.
I just don't know!!! It's a lot of money to spend - but there is a part of me that is really pulled to search. But....am I just being selfish???
UUGGHH - Let me know what you decide!!! :)
that's a tough one...i know we won't till caleb wants to, but with the second adoption being domestic we are asking for closed...i think you have to do what's best for you
I am definitely searching - and very soon. (that means within the next few years) What I share with Ella's birthmother is so special - I feel like it is my responsibility to reach out and see if she is interested in taking part in Ella's life, and I will do whatever I can to make this happen. She has given me the world - the least I can do is share some pics and stories, right? I am so grateful for Ella's b-mom. She is so unselfish and so full of love. I feel her presence when Ella and I are alone together - she is welcomed into our thoughts and prayers every night.
Peace and Hugs
Becca
I say...go with your heart, but be prepared for anything. I struggle more each day with feeling guilty...knowing she would love to raise her girls, but because I was blessed to be born in this country I can provide for them and she cannot. I think about her daily now, after having met her...which before...I still thought about her, but not nearly as often and it didn't make me as sad. I wouldn't change having met her...I just didn't think it would affect me as much as it has. Just my 2 cents....talk to you soon!!!
I would say go for it. However, only you can answer that. I guess I am lucky, I have Maya's BM address and everything.
I am wondering the same thing. With our daughter we tried (hired an investigator)finding the birthmom and had no luck. This was to try and finish the adoption.
With our son, we asked our attorney to ask the birthmom to meet us on our pick up trip and she never did. I just feel so greatful to this women that I want to make sure she knows it and ask her if she wants me to send pictures in the future.
I dont know....Very tough decision!
I feel the same way Becca does. I owe Sky's BM so much and I want her to know how much she is loved and I just want to share pics and stories. I do feel that it would keep it open for Sky to then take the relationship where she would want it to go. Good luck in whatever you decide and if you do I will need some pointers for when I decide to start( which I hope is soon)
Hi! I love your website and think your children are beautiful. I've been watching and reading for a while; I hope that's alright. Re: your question, my DH and I were not going to do a birthmother search at the beginning. We thought the boys could do that on their own later if they wanted to, and were just going to keep track of all information regarding her in case that day came, but then we've since had doubts about our case for a number of reasons, and have decided that we are definitely going to do a birthmother search as soon as the adoption is finished just to make sure everything was on the up and up. That's our story. I don't know if that helps or not. Good luck in making your decision.
Sometime in the future I would like to initiate a search for John's birthmother. She is often in my thoughts and I hope that John is in her's. That is the thing that scares me about doing a search. What if she has no interest in learning more about him or sharing info with me and him? How do I tell him that? If I don't search I can just tell him what I know from the social worker report. It is such a hard decision to make.
I've been enjoying reading the comments. We too invited the BM at pick up and she didn't come. It tells me she isn't ready. I am hoping someday it will all be right. I so want her to know that our son is loved.
I have no answers, or even suggestions. I don't think we will try until our girl is ready herself. I don't have a lot of hope that we could ever find ours, but I would be willing to try, if she wants to.
I just think your little girlie is adorable.
Love,
Julie
Hi, just to flip the coin abit I would definately check with your agency first to see if they know if the BM wanted to be contacted. I know that it's quite common for the BM to leave her village so noone knows she is pregnant and then go back after the baby is born. It can be dangerous for some women to be found. It's such a tough situation whatever you choose. I hope that I have enough answers for my Daughter someday, but will not search just in case!!
Good luck in whatever decision you come to for your family.
We met Cohen's birthmother while we were in Guatemala this past summer. I was extremely nervous about meeting her, but am so glad that we did! It was good for all of us -- I think it gave her a sense of peace about her decision and I think Cohen will enjoy hearing all the things we learned about his birthmother when he is older.
Something to think about -- life is short in Guatemala. If you think the twins might be interested in knowing about their birthmother in the future, I think it would be a good idea to start searching.
I sure will be happy when my kitchen is done and back to normal so I can play catch up with you and see what you have decided to do?
We will. Hopefully soon. I feel like if we don't do it now, we may never be able to find her if/when Austin and Logan want to know more about her. And I have a heavy heart in that I want her to KNOW that her children are safe and sound and WELL loved! And then that little voice in the back of my head wants to make sure everything was on the "up and up" in our adoption.
I was placed into a loving home when I was an infant. Growing up I always wondered and had questions for my parents and they answered whatever they could. When I started to ask questions deeper and further at an older age, I mentioned that I would like to meet my bio some day. My parents were very supportive, but said that they could financially support me. It wasn't until I was married and had adopted one child of my own, that I then took the leap to look for my bio mom! I did have to go through a lot of emotional maturing before I could do it. I think if I would have done it earlier or my parents had done it, I don't think it would have worked out as well as it did. I did find my bio-mom, but it turned out that she didn't want to find me. She had, had another child before me (a brother) and hadn't told him about me and wasn't ready to do so. It was hard to deal with, but if I had to deal with that when I was younger - I don't think it would have gone well! Just a thought!! You obviously need to do what is best for your children. Please do it for them though and not just your curiosity! I would love to chat with you on this further if you have questions - just let me know!
Wow, I found it. Your blog that is - I found it a while ago, then lost the bookmark and here I am finally catching up.
Anyway - I know this post is over a week old, but I wanted to chime in with the others that it is a personal decision for your family. If your asking straight up - I say go for it.
I'm hoping that in a month or so I can tell you personally about our experience. We'll be picking up Carmen in March and have requested to meet her birthmother. We don't know yet whether she'll want to meet us, and we're nervous as all get out.
Praying for peace in this decision for you.
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